This isn’t even my final formal.

Why they changed it, I can’t say…

“Birdie…” Ronald muttered, just above a whisper. “Bring me the McHammer.”

“Why Ronald?” the girl could only respond, fear quickly taking over her voice.

The clown ruler dropped his gaze to his oversized shoes. His gloved hand tightened into a fist.

“The Hamburglar has robbed his last fuckin’ meal.”

Xenomuppet

Zuckerlimburger.

squints hard

Sean Mall?

Which Sean got his own mall? Or is it a mall specifically for Seans? As a non-Sean (cool rhyme, right?) am I forbidden from Sean Mall? Are Shawns allowed in?

My poor vision creates nothing but inquiries.

I instinctively read that in Homestar Runner’s voice.

Agrajag shall be avenged!

After “fear of getting ridiculed or mocked” I’d also add “or told you’re going to go to hell.”

Ugh.

starts rhythmic clapping

HO-DEE-HOTEN-DOTEN-DAY, HO-DEE-HOTEN-DAY-O! HO-DEE-HOTEN-DOTEN-DAY…

FATTENING UP OUR TAAAAPE WOOOOORMS!

37?!?!?

glances into mirror

Oh.

Right.

…Shit.

This feels like a Mitch Hedberg joke.

I know this is a grumpy old man take, but I’ll never get over the fact that they decided to call these dastardly things “hoverboards.”

Blasphemy, says eight year-old me, having just watched Back to the Future: Part II and now obsessed with someday obtaining a floating skateboard.

SPAGETT!

(He spooked ya.)

When you turn 12 and promptly WAKE UP.

WELL, I DON’T NEED SAFETY GLOVES, BECAUSE I’M HOMER SIMP–

And so few good ones…

Ugh. Personal memory unlocked.

Years ago, when I was teaching English Lit, I was doing a whole short fiction unit on Bradbury. A terrible, TERRIBLE adaptation of “A Sound of Thunder” had just been dumped on DVD. I hadn’t watched it, but I used to screen films for my classes after teaching the texts they were adapted from. 9 times out of 10, the films were garbage, but it was an interesting way to study adaptation.

So I grabbed the dvd. And watched it for the first time alongside my students and had to physically hold in my anger. Guys, it’s that bad.

The best part was reading my students’ papers on the adaptation, which were mostly on the lines of “why is this a thing that exists” and “how can cgi dinosaurs look this bad” and “this movie has baboonlizards, why does this story need baboonlizards” and so on.

Of course, being a classroom, there was still the requisite one or two responses of “I liked the movie better than the story because it was a movie and I didn’t have to read.”

But yeah, don’t watch “A Sound of Thunder.” And if you do, go back in time and prevent yourself from doing it. It’s that important.

Aw, shucks… 🙂